Eighteen years, two-hundred seventeen months, six-thousand six hundred seven days, and nine hundred forty-four weeks ago I started my first day of school. At the time, my mom was working first shift and my dad was responsible for getting me ready for school. We had a routine, he’d make me hot dogs for breakfast because frankly, that’s all he knew how to make. We would go back and forth until he tied the perfect ponytail (and yes, he eventually mastered it, kikice included), and the final part of our morning routine ended with me trying to trick my dad into believing I’d tucked in my potkosulja before we left the house. Sure, these were just minor difficulties, but they didn’t stop us from walking hand-in-hand to the very first day of school.
Not only was the thought of school scary, but it didn’t help that I didn’t know English all too well, so now we’re talking about not only a shy, four-year-old Selma, but also a very worried Selma.
My dad knew exactly what to say to comfort me, after all, I am his twin so we just understand each other — my mom even referred to us as “dva Samira.” Right before he left, he gave me his little pep talk, saying that I’d do great in school and that I just needed to believe in myself, “Ljubi babo, nemoj zaboraviti ‘ja mogu ja hocu’.” Who would’ve guessed that those four words would ultimately steer me through the rest of my life, nearly twenty-two years later.
My dad, mom and I moved to Fargo, North Dakota in 1998. After moving to three states and going back and forth between two countries, not once, not twice but three times, we finally ended up calling Carlisle, Pennsylvania home. Every move came with its difficulties — starting over, attending a new school with new people, trying to make friends, the list goes on. But throughout all of the inevitable changes, I had my own personal cheerleader assuring me it would always be okay.
Where I’m From: I was born in Germany, but my dad is from Zvornik and my mom is from Prijedor.
Current Hometown: Carlisle, Pennsylvania
Favorite Balkan Song: “Nisam te zbog lepote voleo” by Zeljko Joksimovic
Favorite Balkan Food: Krompiruša
Maybe it’s just my biased opinion, but I had the best role model to look up to all my life. I mean, besides the fact that my dad has a very adaptive personality and could find his way through ANY situation, the man was “invincible” as everyone likes to say. Nothing was ever impossible, if nobody could do it, he could and that’s what I admire most about my dad.
After twenty years in the United States, it’s safe to say my dad achieved this sought-out American dream for our family. Whether it was his stubbornness or his persistence, which got passed down to me too, I watched my dad succeed at everything he ever attempted. I’m not exactly sure how one person could possibly be good at everything and anything but hey, my dad has always been an exception.
Just like any first-generation child of immigrants, we all aspire to make our parents proud and make their sacrifices for our better tomorrow worthwhile.
Not only did I have some big shoes to fill but I wanted to put my stamp on the world. Whatever dream I had at the time, my dad was right behind me reminding me to say “Ja mogu ja hocu,” whether that was my twelve-year old dream of being a fashion designer, presenting research at my first national conference, applying for my master’s and just about everything else in between.
I wish everyone got to experience the kind of bond we had. From school to potential future son-in-laws, we could talk about everything and anything. I will admit that sometimes talking about boys with your dad is a little awkward…especially when he starts listing potential candidates that could make the cut, leaving you no option other than to start singing, “Necu babo necu…xyz.”
After a lot of planning and talking, we said 2018 was going to be a big year for me and there were going to be a lot of changes. I specifically remember telling myself this was it, this was going to be my year, even though I said that every year, but still, I knew my life was going to change. I was going to graduate from college, we were going to visit Bosna in the summer, I was going to move away and start a new life just in time for grad school in the fall.
I was right, my life was going to change, but I didn’t know what was coming.
To continue this story, I’m going to have to rewind a little bit back in time to my fourth birthday — the best birthday I ever had. My parents bought me a doll house, and it wasn’t just your average doll house, it was a wooden doll house that needed to be built from the ground up. My dad spent days building this three-story blue wooden doll house with white windows.
I’m pretty sure nothing could ever top this birthday, but we thought maybe my 21st could. My dad was really sick with what we thought was pneumonia at the time on my birthday, and I decided not to make a big deal out of it by having a mini celebration at home with my best friends.
Fast-forward five days later, my family learned that our lives were going to change after all.
What doctors had originally thought that my dad had was pneumonia, turned out to be stage-four small cell metastatic lung-cancer. In the span of a few days, this perfectly imperfect life of mine slowly started crashing down, with no intention of stopping anytime soon.
Right at the beginning, as a family, we decided that we were going to fight together, what once was “Ja mogu, ja hocu” turned into “Mi mozemo, mi hocemo.”
One week later, I was going to be graduating from college and my dad was going to start his journey to fight this battle on the same day. Amidst all the chaos, I forgot to decorate my cap. I didn’t want to do something cliche or typical, I wanted it to mean something to me. Yup, you guessed it, “ja mogu ja hocu” became the motto printed on my hat. Although neither of my parents were able to come to my graduation, they were able to watch the livestream from chemo.
I’ll be honest, I thought that was going to be such a happy day in my life but all I wanted to do was grab my diploma and go be by my dad’s side. Since that day, he and I went to every appointment together, including 18 rounds of chemo, 20 rounds of radiation, several nights spent in the hospital and 10 months of over the clock care.
All my life, my dad was our protector and took care of all of us. I never thought the day would come when our roles would reverse. No task was too hard and no sleepless night was too long when it comes down to your best friend. Although I never thought that at 21 I would be taking care of a sick parent, I’m so glad I was able to be by my dad’s side through it all.
Before each appointment, we would fist bump and both say “mi mozemo mi hocemo.”
Through the rare good news and not so rare bad news, we would get through it together, as a family. I grew up knowing that us four could get through anything and that we are stronger together — this time was no different.
In July of this year, we were told that the tumors had spread everywhere and that my dad now had terminal cancer. All over again, our world came tumbling down after we tried so hard to piece it back together. I never wanted to imagine a world without my dad in it, my best friend. A day like that just seemed so scary and I never wanted to see it.
My dad decided it was time to start teaching us everything we had to know in order to carry on our lives without him. Each day he would teach us something new and give us life advice for every “what if” situation possible. I started writing down things my dad would tell me in notes on my phone knowing that one day I’m going to need to hear his words again.
On September 14th, 2018 my dad passed away.
Although we knew it was coming and we tried to “prepare” ourselves, there was no way we could prepare for this feeling.
I didn’t know pain like this existed and it feels like a false reality. He was invincible…this couldn’t be real. I still think my dad’s just going to walk in the house with his Bluetooth in his ear multitasking 1001 things but still stopping to say “Hej ljubi babo, sta ima?”
A huge part of me is missing and I feel the void every day. I constantly try and remind myself of the things he told me so that I can be the rock now.
Some days I feel lost and the one person who has all the answers isn’t there. I keep a blanket in my car now because I always have to visit my dad and update him on my life and get some help, we talk a lot so I make sure to get comfy. Our heart to hearts are just a little bit different now.
One of the things I wrote down was my dad saying, “Mene i tebe niko i nista ne moze razdvojiti, jaci smo mi kao sto smo uvijek bili…” Although my dad isn’t physically with us anymore, we all feel him with us every day.
I don’t know how to explain the feeling, but I just know when he’s there and know he’s watching over us. Every day I get some kind of sign from him and it just reminds me that I have a guardian angel.
Because of my dad, I know what unconditional love and support feels like. Because of my dad, I know what it’s like to have a forever friend. Because of my dad, I’m stronger than I ever thought was possible. Because of my dad, I know “Ja mogu, ja hocu.”
Selma is currently attending Penn State College of Medicine and getting her Master’s Degree in Public Health, in the health information systems and policy track.
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