During the summer of 2018, I was going through one of the hardest times in my life — nearly two weeks after graduating college, my dad passed away unexpectedly. Even though I kept being told that I should take the time to properly grieve, I didn’t quite understand what that meant exactly. Yes, I cried many, many times, but what was I supposed to do after that? Instead of drowning myself in sorrow, I decided to bite the bullet and make the trip to Europe, the one I was looking forward to so much after graduation.
While I was in Bosnia, I remember sitting in my grandparents’ living room and just thinking to myself, “I know I’m not the only one going through this. I know there’s no way to turn this situation into a positive one, but there certainly must be a way to commemorate my dad and let other people know that it’s going to be OK.”
At the time, Balkan Bred was only a few months old and while I could’ve put it on the back burner, I decided to channel my grief into this business — but with a creative twist, of course. This whole time, everyone (friends, family, people on social media) told me “You are SO strong,” after learning about how I was hopping on a plane to the Balkans, only two weeks after we’d gotten the awful news.
It’s crazy to think that at the time I’d thought that it wasn’t even a big deal, but stepping onto that plane was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. I don’t want to spoil it too much because we’ll talk about it more in the episode, but man was it a life-changing experience.
I didn’t even realize how strong I was until after the fact but figured that there must be some truth in that, especially if I was constantly being reminded of it. Long story short, the Zbog Tebe collection was born and my dear friend, Zerina (who you will hear on this episode), was one of the first people I reached out to after coming up with the idea.
The craziest thing is that I had no idea she’d also gone through what I was going through, let alone had it happen unexpectedly, too. I guess you could say our meeting was quite serendipitous, and she’s still one of my very best friends to this day. We began talking frequently and somewhere in our conversations, we came up with the idea for this podcast episode.
One of the main reasons we wanted to record this episode is because rarely anyone talks about dealing with the loss of a loved one(s) in the Balkan culture. In general, mental health is not exactly a popular topic around the coffee table, and we get that. But we need to normalize it more because as unfortunate as it is, it’s something that we’re all going to experience at one point or another in our lives.
There is no handbook that tells you exactly how to deal with grief (sometimes I wish there was) because each and every one of our experiences is going to be different. What works for someone else may not apply to your situation, but here are some things we learned during the process. We dive into each one further on the podcast episode, but these are a few takeaways:
1. There is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to grieving.
You just have to find what works for you. Whether that means going to the therapist or to the gym, everyone is going to have their own “thing” that helps. And it’s okay if that changes over time because let’s face it: sometimes you just need a good cry. Even if it’s the middle of the day and you can feel that wave coming, just cry. We know it can be so inconvenient, it can happen when you’re driving on the way to work or in the middle of lunch with a friend, but it’s important to feel your emotions.
2. GRIEVE. Actually grieve. Don’t tell yourself you will be fine and bottle up emotions. Cry. Scream. Shout. Let it out.
Here’s what Zerina has to say: I made the mistake of bottling my emotions up and refused to address them because I was trying to “stay strong” for my family until it all overflowed. It’s okay to feel angry, upset, and frustrated just let those emotions out – in private or with someone, whatever is more comfortable.
Once you’ve let it all out, don’t be afraid to reflect on all the happy memories, look at old videos and photos, cry some more if you need to, and take time to make peace with the loss. This doesn’t mean forgetting about it or pretending like it didn’t happen. It means realizing that you can’t change what happened but you can take this tragedy and use it to strengthen you and motivate you to do more in the world in memory of the person.
3. Be selfish with your time, health, and choices.
People will voice their opinions on how you should grieve, what you should do, when you can do it, etc. Just let it come in through one ear and out the other unless it’s actually helpful advice and they’re taking the time to communicate with you. You know yourself best and what you need.
Much like how I decided to take my trip (even so suddenly after it all happened), Zerina took a similar approach:”Learning German and studying abroad in Germany were the only two things I could think of since finding out about the program my freshman year of college. I had planned it out with my advisor and was on track with my coursework for the program, already had been granted two scholarships, and was a couple of months shy from submitting my application when the accident happened and my life was paused. After everything happened, I remember someone asking me a rhetorical question of, “You’re not still going to study abroad, are you? You can’t leave your family now.” I know the person was coming from a good place but it was hard hearing them because they had no idea how hard I had been working for it and how much it meant to me. To make a long story short, after some time and doubting myself and my love for my family, I decided I was going to continue working towards it in secret because 1. I knew if I listened to everyone, I would eventually resent those people and my family for preventing me from going after a dream. 2. I had a feeling in my gut it would bring me more good than harm and reflecting back on it now, it truly was the best thing I’ve ever done.”
We mustered up all our courage — OK, it wasn’t that hard since we’re both Leo’s — and put together this episode for you guys. Actually, there are two episodes (part one and part two) and you can find both of them linked below. We really hope you take a listen or at least pass it along to someone who needs to hear it.
